McBlairtrick Caught By Balls Detector

A businessman who duped millions of people into going to war by marketing a totally useless ‘intelligence dossier’ device, is facing a lengthy prison sentence today after being found guilty of fraud at The Old Bailey.  Tony McBlairtrick sold thousands of the useless devices to Governments and voters around the world, claiming it would ensure freedom for all, nicer weather and guarantee that naughty people with beards would go-away and “think about what they’d done”

McBlairtrick hit upon the idea after cutting-out an article he found in The Daily Mail by columnist Samantha Brick titled “I’m right; you’re wrong; case closed”.  Despite the article being worth less than the paper it was printed on, McBlairtrick sold the article as ‘Intelligence’ for £27,000 per copy, and netted himself an estimated £80m.

The scam only came to light when people noticed that despite countless deaths on all sides, the number of naughty people - even those who shaved - had actually grown, and that last year’s summer was the wettest on-record.

  McBlairtrick congratulates George Tosh, his Head of Marketing after a successful sales-pitch to world leaders.

Image: Bush/Blair at White House PDUSGov.

Psychiatric Patients Protest Over New Admission

Columnist, journalist and occasional human being Samantha Brick is understood to be in a secure psychiatric unit tonight following publication of her latest words-of-wisdom.  The article in yesterday’s Daily Mail entitled “101 reasons why I’m so brill and you’re all bell-ends” resulted in  no phone calls of complaint, no mentions on Facebook and not a single tweet in protest, derision or insult. 

It is understood that following publication, Ms Brick waited as usual in her belfry with the bats, scanning her laptop and iphone for the usual tide of resentment, offensive tweets and emails in order to feed her need for recognition and The Daily Mails need for internet traffic to their online edition.  When after three hours nothing had been said, and even ITV’s ‘This Morning’ programme hadn’t booked her, Ms Brick became highly agitated and proceeded to pull her hair out in clumps. Two hours later, and  with still no reaction to the article, Samantha took to leaning out the window naked and screaming at the passers-by below…

“Look at me! Look at me! I’m Samantha Brick you morons! Daddy loved me…he did, he did, he did I tell you!”

Police were eventually called when concerned passers-by were unable to keep down their lunches at the sight of Samantha Bricks naked body.  

The house bricks shown above demonstrate predictable satire, but a suitable representation of Samantha Bricks talent and humanity.

Image: Pile of Bricks by Fruggo, CC 1.0 generic

Don't You Realise Who I Am?

The diplomatic row between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell grew deeper tonight after talks between representatives of The Lord God Almighty and The Devil ended without agreement. Speaking after the meeting; God’s chief negotiator The Archangel Gabriel confirmed what many feared when he told waiting reporters…

“Despite our best efforts, the question of Margaret Thatcher’s immigration status remains unresolved. At this stage, there are no immediate plans for further talks, but the situation remains fluid, and both camps remain committed to finding a resolution to this unfortunate matter. In the meantime, Mrs Thatcher will remain in detention at Camp Limbo pending a decision”

Hopes had been high for a positive outcome to the talks, and when Jesus Christ suggested offering ‘Dual Citizenship’ to the Iron Lady; those hopes appeared well-founded. As part of the plan, Thatcher would have split her time in eternity between Heaven and Hell. The idea was scuppered though after The Lord God intervened and told his second-in-command the idea would…

“Make a mockery of Christianity's  entire reward/eternal damnation business-model which has served me well for centuries in a highly-competitive religious marketplace”

The same sentiment seems to be behind The Devils reluctance to allow entry, and despite Thatcher’s deeds and reputation on earth. His spokesman told us…

“Whilst we appreciate the idea put forward by Mr Christ was made in all good-faith, it is wholly unacceptable to expect us to allow entry to this woman even on a part-time basis. As the Kingdom of Heaven is well aware, we specialise in punishing residents who display particularly ‘challenging behaviour’ such as Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin-Laden, and when the time comes, Ant ‘n Dec. In this case we are aware that despite her many countless bad deeds; she was known to be reasonably nice to her husband Dennis from time-to-time, and always made sure house-plants were well watered, and as such is not eligible for citizenship"

A much needed way-out may be possible though for both kingdoms following an idea from The Buddha, who is believed to be offering the possibility of having Thatcher re-incarnated instead: as an unemployed miner in 1980’s County Durham. 

Some believe The Devils failure to keep up-to-date with modern torture techniques, and over-crowding may be the real reasons behind his refusal to accept Margaret Thatcher. 

Hurricane Maggie Set To Hit UK Again Soon

The Disasters Emergency Committee has issued an urgent appeal for donations after ‘Hurricane Maggie’ swept across the UK on Monday, leaving a trail of division, predictable satire and amateur dramatics in its wake.

Hardest hit have been the counties of Twittershire, Facebookshire and Mediaville, where thousands crammed into the nearest available site the moment Maggie struck and started panic-posting; within minutes, supplies of anything rational, incisive or original to say had flown off the keyboards,  leaving those with nothing  to say for themselves, fighting bitterly over scraps left by passing pundits: regurgitated sound-bites, bon-mots well past their sell-by date but more often, words they stock-piled years ago in readiness, knowing this would happen someday.

According to DEC, the most urgent need now is for vaccines, to help slow the spread of serious disease, in particular the deadly ‘Predictable Jibe Virus’ and ‘Selective Legacy Syndrome’. Those falling victim to the PJV virus, quickly break out in oozing, feeble quips of “Ding-dong, the witch is dead!” or “What a stroke of luck, LOL!” and for those infected with SLS, it’s  sweeping, amnesia-ridden statements of “She saved Britain!” or “She gave us the right-to-buy scheme!”

Those not infected can only watch in despair, as all around more and more people fall victim to the verbal plague; many, fearing they too might succumb,  hurl themselves out of windows as a more dignified way to go, or hide in cellars with a good book and plenty of Gin until the worst is over. They could have a long wait: meteorologists are already warning that Hurricane Maggie isn’t done with us yet. A deep depression is already forming over London, with the storms return predicted for April 14th.

With that in mind, DEC has also warned of a shortage of 4x4 Bandwagons for those affected to leap on to: the few still roadworthy after the hurricane first struck, are already overloaded with the severely opinionated, leaving countless other victims of  Hurricane Maggie just standing by the wayside, staring forlornly and quite forgotten amidst the wreckage. 

Owners of Bandwagons have been urged to come forward before next weeks return of 'Hurricane Maggie'. Mileage allowance payable.

Image: by Odooley, Bandwagon under CC 3.00

Article © Nigel Walsh aka EinsteinsGhost