Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Breakthrough In Sharon Conflict At G8

Leaders of the G8 major economies, meeting in Northern Ireland have reached broad agreement on how to deal with the continuing tragedy of Letitia Dean’s acting in the BBC’s soap-opera ‘Eastenders’, in which she plays the character of Sharon Watts.  Problems over Syria, tax-evasion and trade agreements were quickly and easily dealt with, but the Sharon Watts issue looked set to de-rail an otherwise successful summit.
The breakthrough came after Prime Minister David Cameron showed leaders video evidence of Ms Dean’s appalling acting, which to date has led to over 20,000 cases of premature balding from viewers tearing out their hair, 18,000 cases of suicide amongst drama teachers, but a big increase in the sale of sickness and diarrhoea remedies. 

Prior to the talks, hopes of agreement were low, especially after US President Barack Obama had dismissed the ‘Sharon conflict’ as a purely British problem; however following the viewings and a long spell in the toilet, the President vowed to “stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our most favoured ally”

In return, the UK will supply the CIA with excerpts of Sharon’s performances dubbed into Arabic for use in Guantanamo Bay, a move condemned by Amnesty International as “Reprehensible” and using a “sledgehammer to crack a nut” 

 Letitia Dean - Sharon - pictured recently at her talents funeral. 

Image 'Letitia Dean' by Gary Wright CC 2.00

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

McBlairtrick Caught By Balls Detector

A businessman who duped millions of people into going to war by marketing a totally useless ‘intelligence dossier’ device, is facing a lengthy prison sentence today after being found guilty of fraud at The Old Bailey.  Tony McBlairtrick sold thousands of the useless devices to Governments and voters around the world, claiming it would ensure freedom for all, nicer weather and guarantee that naughty people with beards would go-away and “think about what they’d done”

McBlairtrick hit upon the idea after cutting-out an article he found in The Daily Mail by columnist Samantha Brick titled “I’m right; you’re wrong; case closed”.  Despite the article being worth less than the paper it was printed on, McBlairtrick sold the article as ‘Intelligence’ for £27,000 per copy, and netted himself an estimated £80m.

The scam only came to light when people noticed that despite countless deaths on all sides, the number of naughty people - even those who shaved - had actually grown, and that last year’s summer was the wettest on-record.

  McBlairtrick congratulates George Tosh, his Head of Marketing after a successful sales-pitch to world leaders.

Image: Bush/Blair at White House PDUSGov.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Psychiatric Patients Protest Over New Admission

Columnist, journalist and occasional human being Samantha Brick is understood to be in a secure psychiatric unit tonight following publication of her latest words-of-wisdom.  The article in yesterday’s Daily Mail entitled “101 reasons why I’m so brill and you’re all bell-ends” resulted in  no phone calls of complaint, no mentions on Facebook and not a single tweet in protest, derision or insult. 

It is understood that following publication, Ms Brick waited as usual in her belfry with the bats, scanning her laptop and iphone for the usual tide of resentment, offensive tweets and emails in order to feed her need for recognition and The Daily Mails need for internet traffic to their online edition.  When after three hours nothing had been said, and even ITV’s ‘This Morning’ programme hadn’t booked her, Ms Brick became highly agitated and proceeded to pull her hair out in clumps. Two hours later, and  with still no reaction to the article, Samantha took to leaning out the window naked and screaming at the passers-by below…

“Look at me! Look at me! I’m Samantha Brick you morons! Daddy loved me…he did, he did, he did I tell you!”

Police were eventually called when concerned passers-by were unable to keep down their lunches at the sight of Samantha Bricks naked body.  

The house bricks shown above demonstrate predictable satire, but a suitable representation of Samantha Bricks talent and humanity.

Image: Pile of Bricks by Fruggo, CC 1.0 generic

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Don't You Realise Who I Am?

The diplomatic row between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell grew deeper tonight after talks between representatives of The Lord God Almighty and The Devil ended without agreement. Speaking after the meeting; God’s chief negotiator The Archangel Gabriel confirmed what many feared when he told waiting reporters…

“Despite our best efforts, the question of Margaret Thatcher’s immigration status remains unresolved. At this stage, there are no immediate plans for further talks, but the situation remains fluid, and both camps remain committed to finding a resolution to this unfortunate matter. In the meantime, Mrs Thatcher will remain in detention at Camp Limbo pending a decision”

Hopes had been high for a positive outcome to the talks, and when Jesus Christ suggested offering ‘Dual Citizenship’ to the Iron Lady; those hopes appeared well-founded. As part of the plan, Thatcher would have split her time in eternity between Heaven and Hell. The idea was scuppered though after The Lord God intervened and told his second-in-command the idea would…

“Make a mockery of Christianity's  entire reward/eternal damnation business-model which has served me well for centuries in a highly-competitive religious marketplace”

The same sentiment seems to be behind The Devils reluctance to allow entry, and despite Thatcher’s deeds and reputation on earth. His spokesman told us…

“Whilst we appreciate the idea put forward by Mr Christ was made in all good-faith, it is wholly unacceptable to expect us to allow entry to this woman even on a part-time basis. As the Kingdom of Heaven is well aware, we specialise in punishing residents who display particularly ‘challenging behaviour’ such as Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin-Laden, and when the time comes, Ant ‘n Dec. In this case we are aware that despite her many countless bad deeds; she was known to be reasonably nice to her husband Dennis from time-to-time, and always made sure house-plants were well watered, and as such is not eligible for citizenship"

A much needed way-out may be possible though for both kingdoms following an idea from The Buddha, who is believed to be offering the possibility of having Thatcher re-incarnated instead: as an unemployed miner in 1980’s County Durham. 

Some believe The Devils failure to keep up-to-date with modern torture techniques, and over-crowding may be the real reasons behind his refusal to accept Margaret Thatcher.